Monday, July 19, 2010

Time for a Change

I'm seriously considering not doing Nutcracker this year.  I just don't think I can do it.  I want to have a life.  I want to have a Christmas.  I want to be able to celebrate Amanda's birthday on her actual birthday.  I want to go to Disneyland more than once during Christmastime.  I want to not stress out about when we'll go pick out our Christmas tree.  I want to go ice skating.  More than just once.  I want to have a Thanksgiving where I don't freak out about eating like a cow because I have rehearsal the day or two after and the show two weeks after.  I want to be able to go to Advent services on Wednesday nights.  I want to go to Christmas parties without feeling like I'll pass out from exhaustion.  Actually, I want to be able to go to Christmas parties period.  I want to go look at Christmas lights in super decorated neighborhoods more than just once and without having to cram it in between the shows finishing and Christmas.

Oh yeah, and besides all that, I want to devote the proper amount of time and energy to my new job.  I finally have what I've been working for for two years.  Heck, longer than that.  My job is not just a job, it's a career.  And a career deserves all the time I can give it.  I WANT to give it that time.  I don't hate ballet, but I don't think I can handle doing shows right now.  I'm already committed to the September 18th one, but that is only a few weeks into the school year so it shouldn't be too horrible.  But after that, I need time for lesson planning and BTSA and oh yes, sleep.

This all is happening at the same time that I'm attempting to retrain my brain in terms of exercise and food.  I have been so exercised obsessed for so long, and it's very hard to break that habit.  I have for quite a while now had a mindset of "oh it's ok if I eat crap because I'll just work it off."  I've always known that was unhealthy thinking, but am only now motivated enough to do anything about it.  And strangely enough, this new motivation comes from being just so dang tired.  Delayed reactions from the stress of looking for a job are really taking a toll on my body.

And then there's church.  I've taken on the job of Secretary of Church Council, and therefore have meetings once a month.  This means missing ballet.  I am working on consistently retraining my brain to not feel like I have to go to ballet no matter what.  It is difficult because ballet has defined me for so long.  All my life, really.  It's not an easy change to make.  But I'm trying.   It will be slow and require lots of baby steps.  But I'm trying.

I'm trying.

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