Saturday, August 13, 2011

I Don't Have to Be That Skinny. Right?

I've been having a lot of trouble lately with size and body image.  It's synonymous with the trouble I've been having with ballet.  I know that size is just a number.  I know that after starting the pill (just because my body doesn't like to have it like a regular person good lord it's annoying) I went from the skinny "filled-in" that I had become when I was about 23 to having a little bit of actual hips and bigger boobs.  I wasn't thrilled, but if I wanted my period to be regular and if I wanted to not put my body through hell going off of it and then back on it 6 months later, I would just deal with it.

I know that my body shape changed a bit with doing less ballet and doing more of other kinds of workouts.  I'm slowly, very slowly, learning to accept and embrace this change.

I thought that with the end of the school year I'd get a better handle on my eating because I would be less stressed.  And I did do that, in the sense that I didn't have a nervous anxious craving for chocolate every minute of the day.  But I still ate chocolate.  Plenty of it.  Thankfully this time it was because I simply wanted it.

I hate dressing room mirrors.  I enjoyed buying a new pair of jeans on Thursday night that I feel more comfortable in and I enjoyed buying new functional bras and a super cute new fun bra today.  But I hate dressing room mirrors.  Even in Victoria's Secret.  You'd think that Victoria's Secret would put nice mirrors in there so you don't feel even more depressed that you already did having looked at the pictures of models hanging all over the store.

Maybe all the food and healthy living blogs I've started reading will help.  They started to, and then I got distracted.

School is starting all too soon.  My wedding is still 320 days away.  We looked at furniture today.  I wish we could have bought it now.  I wish we could get our apartment now.

I'm frustrated.

On a more positive note, my future mother-in-law lent me these books a while ago and I'm reading them for the second time right now: Vision in White (The Bride Quartet, Book 1)Bed of Roses (The Bride Quartet, Book 2)Savor the Moment (The Bride Quartet, Book 3)Happy Ever After (Nora Roberts' Bride Quartet Series #4) by Nora Roberts

1 comment:

  1. You are so brave to share these feelings and thoughts with the public. I am proud of you for sharing. I know body image affects a lot of people and I think I know that you are more affected than some. I know ballet has a tendency to mess with people's head.

    You should be so proud of yourself to be making progress like you are. You are becoming a woman and taking care of yourself and treating yourself like one. I'm glad you ate chocolate just because you wanted it. I'm glad you are taking BCP despite shape-change because you know it's healthier for you.

    You are making great changes! And they are very difficult.

    Be so proud of yourself! You know Mat is SUPER proud of you and desperately in love with you. He will be an amazing husband to you soon and you will be an INCREDIBLE wife because of the changes and growth you are (sometimes struggling) going through right now.

    If you ever need moral support, I know I might seem like an odd person to get it from, but I would hope that you know you can depend on me for it. After all, I went through a HUGE change that made me feel strange and wonderful in lots of different ways.

    Good luck.